Hows it going?

It's been a while since I last posted. So I am listening to Detektivbyrån right now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbJggUcBM8I

it is pretty cool stuff in my opinion. Creating a itunes profile to buy 2 of there albums and becks latest.

I realized that I don't often follow up and do what I want to do.... like I have lists of music i would like to buy... things to do... I just keep putting them all off.
Well that was random.

So I have been talking to my bother chis about how cheap it is to fly to Hawaii in January. He re-searched it and found that round trip to Honolulu is 344 dollars including taxes. I am quite surprised. So it got me starting to think about traveling and how stuck I am in my comfort zone.
I would love to go... just buy a ticket now and say "Too late now!" Quite honestly it scares the shit out of me. Traveling on my own....... uggg.... it gives me the shivers. I really need to get out of my comfort zone..... I am becoming way to settled just working this job and relaxing. i am not talking about leave my job and moving tomorrow or anything..... I am trying to save some money to travel at the moment. I guess I am just living day to day... I think I need to mix thing up a bit. Well i will get up early tomorrow.... if it kills me. I don't care how little sleep I get. time to make some changes. Getting up earlier will be a start.

Ok.. just set 3 alarms.

I have been getting up @ 9:30 for a few months now... my body is not going to want to change.
I am a bit worried about work tomorrow. I am scheduled for 8 days straight. I felt so burn out today already. It was very busy today... I felt like crawling into a corner... well not just busy... hectic and very stressful. ugg

Well if I can pull this off...... making myself uncomfortable.... I am going to hate myself for it.. but in the end I will be a happier person.

well time to try to wind down.... I am going to be getting hardly any sleep tonight.

from our last sunny day

what to do about depression

Depression is a hard thing to fight. Positivity helps you overcome obstacles but you are feeling negative or numb you find it really difficult to move forward with life.

I see that at times I can be really upbeat and excited about life and then in a matter of hours my mind becomes clouded with doom and gloom. Take Wednesday at work..... in the morning I was very upbeat and excited to be alive.... then the lunch rush came and I felt like hiding in a corner and my whole day was ruined. I don't know...... i have such amazing positive emotions sometimes and when I do I can accomplish so much. Some day i just wake up and I am off. No matter what I feel I only try to be a positive influence on others.... I would not want to spread it. When I see conversation take a turn for the negative and unproductive, I turn it around. Some evenings I just spend in my room alone (which have been quite a few lately) just because i can not handle any human interaction and i do not want to spread my negativity.

I don't know.

I remember my brother Chris saying to take your emotions and thoughts with a grain of salt when you are tired. I am sure that that plays into it too.... but I try to be aware of my sleep situation.

Well I am pretty sure now that i have some sort of depression. The rainy season does not help but it is all year around.

Something I discussed with a life long friend is whether to medicate or not.

Depression is not something that is easy to diagnose and I guess medication is up to the person. Does my depression have a significant enough effect on my day to day life to need medication?
Sometimes i would love to take a pill and feel like what I imagine others feel.... normal.... not overly excited and not doom and gloom. I don't need to feel happy all the time..... i just want a break from the opposite. I am tired of waking up each morning feeling like I have my whole life's mistake going through my head. What I love about my job as a cook is how when it get really busy all the bullshit melts away and i am left clear minded. I love it when i can focus on a task and not think about anything else.

I just need a escape from my head.

That is why I like video games and movies.... they clear my head.... i don't care what has happened in my life.... i don't care about my situation. I become am fully absorbed in a different reality. I used to love reading my history book in school.... it cleared my head.. i got to enter into amazing events.... see the perspective of these great people who "made history".

I have realized while writing this that i need to clear my head more often. Alcohol can clear my head for a bit... but it ends up making life more complicated...... and we all know that it is a unhealthy and expensive habit.

I have been pursuing happiness through my career as a cook..... and have been thinking about becoming a sound engineer in the future.... but as happy as these might make me at times... they are not the cure.

I guess i really don't know what to do...... I try to enjoy life as much as possible... see beauty in everything and be grateful for what i have.... those are all good..... i don't know... i have a pretty serious case of being numb right now. I have no idea what i will be like in the morning.... I could be very happy... or.... well.... negative.

It is all just a wave. The question is, will I be on my way up soon?

I am fed up with my pathetic life and have decided to MAKE life interesting....... whether it want to co-operate or not! I have not been posting because I am embarrassed by my life lately. Well no longer. I am going to pursue life and not give a damn about what people think.