Neighbors

It's been a while.....
Well I got some new neighbors and they have a different way of living than I.
Last night I woke up at 4 am to an argument(these happen 3-4 nights a week) right outside my window of these two brothers yelling at each other about 6 feet from my open window. I do not settle differences by yelling like these two guys. I guess I think that it is much more comfortable and constructive to speak calmly to one another but that does not always happen since emotions tend to run high when arguing... well at lease with me.
Back to the neighbors....
So they are constantly arguing an fighting and it has gotten physical a few times. So these neighbors are loud and obnoxious... and friendly. The other week I was playing the drums and one of the guys living next door came over and said "You should play faster." I said "Aww no, I can't go much faster then that. I am a very casual drummer." Then he proceeded to talk about his brother and was smoking right outside my open windows... so needless to say my house reeked like smoke.... but not usual smoke.... OLD smoke. It smelled so old, like the breath of a 90 year old who has smoke for all his life with minimal brushing. It took 2 hours of all the doors and windows being open to clear the house with breathable air.
So after I ignored him while pretending to do yard work he went away. It did not hit me until I was talking to Anthony my roomate. What an ass! My goodness! At the time I was a little embarrased about being listened to while playing the drums and did not realize how rude he was being. Hey thx mr. neighbor for letting me know that I "should play faster". Dude, back off. Intrusion allert! Man I can't wait to move out!

But all the being said you will have to know that I brought this is all on myself in a way because a day earlier I had listened to him talk about himself for about 2 hours while I did yard work and was doing some makshift fixes on the rotten fence between us. Apperently I showed too much intrest in listening to him.
Oh the greatest thing of all is when I will be in my room and he will start to talk to me while I am watching Hell's Kitchen or something through my window. He can't see me but he can hear activity. Last week he even tryed to talk to me when I was up at 4 in the morning(couldn't sleep). So I feel like a captive in my own home carful not to make to much noise just incase he takes interest in what I am doing and comes over or talks to me through my window. I guess he does not see it as rude.
Well I will be moving soon so I will not have to deal with them.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep. My mind just doesn't slow down some nights resulting in not being able to sleep.

I realized this. I feel no purpose in life right now. I have nothing that makes me want to get up it the morning.
I need a job but I am really finding it hard to get one. I have alot of trouble with motivation. Drive to accomplish things is just completely non-existent. I find myself just down right bored recently. All my passion for the things I like has faded. I feel like a ghost, a shell of a person. I used to be excited about getting a new job and meeting new people but now I feel lost. I don't know what to do or what I can do to get excited about life again. Maybe I am depressed. I wish that someone would break into my house and shoot at me a few times.... maybe then I would wake up. It is such a weird feeling. I have felt depression many times before but I always could cry about it or something.... but now I simply don't care about much. I have nothing to work towards or do. Man I need a job! This is why I hate unemployment so much!

I just watched "There will be blood" tonight. It was not a very easy movie to watch. I would recommend seeing it once at least. It tells a good story. The music made me uncomfortable the whole movie. It's great, see it! haha

So... I don't know where this blog is leading..... I guess I just want to share some stuff about myself with you guys and some insights I have(not to say that they are of much value).

I don't know I am being to nagative because I am tierd? Will I feel drive in the morning and be more positive?
It's hard to function on 2.5 hours of sleep. I don't know... I guess if anyone wants they can send some advice my way but I think this is one I am ultimately going to have to crack myself. Wierd... i have never felt so passive about life before.

I am back from my 1.5 mile run.... I know not something to brag about... but a good start in my opinion. My body said "No!" the whole time but I made it home. After doing this for a few days my body will even itself out. Now it is time to go sit on my lovely couch on the porch and be silent for the next 30 min. I think it is good to have some quiet time every do where you do nothing. Just sit in silence. It is nice and calming.

Well it's 6 a.m. and I am up! after going to sleep at 3:30 I am impressed. Time for my run.

L8 night

Well here it is 1 am and I am motivated! Why at 1 am? I don't know! it is a strange thing that happens to me every night. So tomorrow i am going to get up at 6 am and go for a run. I will have to take a nap later. I will post tomorrow morning at 6!

Sickness

Well i have not been keeping up with my posts! Sorry to my non-existent readers!

I have been sick for the last 3 days. It's no fun. I seemed to have gotten a pretty bad case of food poisoning or some sort of a stomach bug. It's the worst. What kind of a stomach bug is it that leaves you hungry but you dare not eat because you know you would not be able to keep it down? It's weird. Well I will make a real post when I have something to tell and am better. Chow for now!

A Letter...

To Matt/Steph
From Matt

Dear Steph,
Thank you for the good conversation in the car to and from Salem. You really have a way of clearing my mind and motivating me. By talking to you I remember my priorities. Remember that Matt!

Dear Matt,
You know that what you want to do is. You want to thrive and flourish in life. Whatever it is that you do, make it yours and do it up right! You are not happy living life in World of Warcraft or any other video game. All things in moderation.

You are going to get a job soon. Why? Because you need one and you fear that you would get to comfortable living with Ted and Lori and end up a leech. You do not want to do that...... so DON'T!

Your body is angry with you. Watch your diet and eat in meals not snacking all day long. You need more physical activity. Running 3-4 times a week is not enough. Be active at least once a day.

Occupy your mind. This blog is a great way to do that. Remember that the busier you are the more productive you are outside of structured environments like work. Begin to read.

Be more selfless!

These are things YOU are going to do.... don't think about them, just do it!

These are not hard things to do. You can do it. When you fail.... think about why you failed and do not make the same mistake twice.

Most importantly remember through all this that you are imperfect and need to forgive yourself when you do fail.

Kick ass!

-Matt

Sorry to bore the 2 people who read my blog. This is a to do list. I don't want to post this because it makes me seem so petty. Well I have to change somehow and this is part of me trying to write stuff down. I seem to forget my priorities alot especially the week. So.... this'll help. If anyone sees something I missed then lemme know!

Oh I need to practice my children skills since I will be moving in with a 1 year-old and I want to spend some more time with my 2 nephews. So Steph you'll be getting some time to yourself soon! I will call you sometime this week.

Mornings...

Some are good, some are bad. This morning was a particularly good one for me. Even though I was fairly groggy and upset I found myself in a very positive, upbeat mood. I woke at 10 am to find 2 strangers in my house. So much for the running. My land lord arrived to show them around and my room was.... I mean is in a very messy state. One of the strangers said "Hi I am Sara" and my response was "Hi I just woke up". I guess I was kind of an asshole but it was not my intent. "Oh sorry" she said as we walked to the frond deck. "So we can wait out here since you just woke up." "Naw it's fine just go have a look around" I said as I went to hide in the bathroom(a very old tactic of mine for avoiding strangers). I felt like everyone was speaking a language that I barely could understand. After about 3 minutes in the bathroom I come out to find my land lord standing right there. "Hey Matt." "Hi....... I just woke up" I said. Why did I find it so important to let everyone know that I just woke up?!?
A new stranger appeared leaning on the doorway to the kitchen. I was trying to find out how old attractive Sara was and if that stranger was her mom or the other girl was her friend or kid...... I could not concentrate. To add to it all Sara looked really familiar! I just could not place her. Then they went outside and I retreated into my messy lair with a sigh of relief.

Somehow through my anti-social experience this morning and a mild hang-over I retained my good attitude and am still really happy. Weird. I think I should be in a bad mood.

off to Salem!

I think the doorway stranger is my land lord's wife... I guess he got a new wife!

late night

Well it's 12:49 in the AM.
After drinking a considerable amount of beer and watching some "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" I realize that today was my most productive day yet this week.

I had $74.84 in change. Thank God for coinstar. Paid for my food this week.

Well I am planning to get up at 8 am so I can do more cleaning for some people to see the house tomorrow morning. It was my dad's b-day yesterday. I got him some good beer. I hope he will like it. I know I would.

Well after 6 pints of PBR I am ready for some water and then bed. I hope I will be able to clean and possible run tomorrow morning.

g'night

viruses , beer, and craigslist

5:15 in the PM and want beer!
After eradicating a rather annoying virus from my computer through the painful task of re-formating 2 partitions and re-installing windows, I want beer! Sadly many programs were lost in the fight and their deletion along with the virus brought a bitter-sweet victory. As I finally found the command "Format F:" I entered the code and with great joy I slammed down on "enter" to find that my battle board did posses the durability that it once had. My eyes widened at I looked to find that I had shattered such a vital key on my board. I wept blood.

Well I guess I am another 15 dollars in the hole.

Once my brain began to function after inhaling excessive amounts of dust while realizing how much stuff I had packed away in my closet....... I found my ethernet driver and came back online. With all my worthless possessions surrounding me I went to www.craigslist.com to rid myself of them. 28 computer games, an ond ctr monitor, a really nice cpu cooler, and computer case became postings on craigslist. 1 min later I received several e-mails. Why does everyone interested in my spare part have to live way out in suburbia? Worth the 15 dollars? We shall see.

So here I am with no cash and large pile of change collected over that last 4 years or so. I count the quarters...
$28.75. Well that is enough to get some beer that's for sure, but I had hoped it would have been more. It will have to do for now.

Time to go for a bike ride.

9:56 am
72 degrees indoors

Today is ok so far.

Woke up at 9 am instead of 8 but considering that it was still 80 degrees in my room when I went to bed at 2 a.m. it 's early enough.

While I was waiting for it to cool down last night I watched Underworld: Evolution on www.hulu.com I did not find it to be a great movie but it was entertaining and the main actress Kate Beckinsale http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000295/ is quite attractive and there was considerable action to keep me watching. I liked the dark atmosphere throughout the whole movie. Of course they are vampires so no going during the day! 2.5 stars I would say.

I guess last night I was unknowingly in the mood for violence. I was on Juctice's myspace page and I watched his music video "STRESS".

justice stress (official video)
by 75_prod

I was shocked at the sheer violence of it. I know it is only a video but it is very well done and believable. I find that too many videos are cleaned up and sanitized. I like thinks to be realistic and raw and well .... believable. Justice is a talented artist and has worked himself up to a good place of recognition and I admire that.

That is all for now. Chow.

9:35 p.m.
82 degrees indoors

Well I thought that this weather would be perfect to start my next project, this blog. I have always disliked writing things down, maybe because that is what I was made to do in school or maybe I just did not like the kind of people that write stuff down because I always thought that you could remember everything if you just exercised your memory. Sadly lately I have realized that my memory fall short of perfect or maybe even functional. At the ripe old age of 21 I find myself dumping old memories as I acquire new ones. My childhood begins to fade and when talking with my family I suddenly collectively remember something that has faded until almost completely gone. Maybe this is a natural part getting "older".

I posted an new song tonight.... it is imperfect but passable. myspace.com/drumsynth59 "missing someone"

I guess I have been wondering what it would be like to loose someone you love. The though of going through the rest of you life thinking about that person and trying to still live a wonderful and exciting life is scary to me. I have trouble living life with a wonderful family who loves me and is there for me when I am down and great uplifting friends that just want what is best for me, I can imagine if even one of them were to ever die. I would be a wreck.
That is how alot of others would be most likely to react I think, so maybe I am not that different. I think few people are prepared for a death close to them but it happens and people learn to keep living. I hope I could do the same when ever it happens.

I have so much to do and so much time. What will it take for me to DO SOMETHING? I will see what tomorrow holds and until then, g'night.