Depression is a hard thing to fight. Positivity helps you overcome obstacles but you are feeling negative or numb you find it really difficult to move forward with life.
I see that at times I can be really upbeat and excited about life and then in a matter of hours my mind becomes clouded with doom and gloom. Take Wednesday at work..... in the morning I was very upbeat and excited to be alive.... then the lunch rush came and I felt like hiding in a corner and my whole day was ruined. I don't know...... i have such amazing positive emotions sometimes and when I do I can accomplish so much. Some day i just wake up and I am off. No matter what I feel I only try to be a positive influence on others.... I would not want to spread it. When I see conversation take a turn for the negative and unproductive, I turn it around. Some evenings I just spend in my room alone (which have been quite a few lately) just because i can not handle any human interaction and i do not want to spread my negativity.
I don't know.
I remember my brother Chris saying to take your emotions and thoughts with a grain of salt when you are tired. I am sure that that plays into it too.... but I try to be aware of my sleep situation.
Well I am pretty sure now that i have some sort of depression. The rainy season does not help but it is all year around.
Something I discussed with a life long friend is whether to medicate or not.
Depression is not something that is easy to diagnose and I guess medication is up to the person. Does my depression have a significant enough effect on my day to day life to need medication?
Sometimes i would love to take a pill and feel like what I imagine others feel.... normal.... not overly excited and not doom and gloom. I don't need to feel happy all the time..... i just want a break from the opposite. I am tired of waking up each morning feeling like I have my whole life's mistake going through my head. What I love about my job as a cook is how when it get really busy all the bullshit melts away and i am left clear minded. I love it when i can focus on a task and not think about anything else.
I just need a escape from my head.
That is why I like video games and movies.... they clear my head.... i don't care what has happened in my life.... i don't care about my situation. I become am fully absorbed in a different reality. I used to love reading my history book in school.... it cleared my head.. i got to enter into amazing events.... see the perspective of these great people who "made history".
I have realized while writing this that i need to clear my head more often. Alcohol can clear my head for a bit... but it ends up making life more complicated...... and we all know that it is a unhealthy and expensive habit.
I have been pursuing happiness through my career as a cook..... and have been thinking about becoming a sound engineer in the future.... but as happy as these might make me at times... they are not the cure.
I guess i really don't know what to do...... I try to enjoy life as much as possible... see beauty in everything and be grateful for what i have.... those are all good..... i don't know... i have a pretty serious case of being numb right now. I have no idea what i will be like in the morning.... I could be very happy... or.... well.... negative.
It is all just a wave. The question is, will I be on my way up soon?
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2 comments:
lol, i have to say this! Do you know why i like you so much? I mean, i guess i never followed a blog like this one, with all the attention? You are exactly like me, the heterosexual version of me, lol, the difference is tat you get your experience in a blog and i don't, i share my thoughts and irregular pain with friends. Today i had a day that should make me happy. I got my car back, i did awesome photos and i bought the best cell phone ever. Although all that i was feeling anxious and empty, and now that i got alone hearing my music i am ok, happy i can say! A reason for this? A way to make it stop? I don't have a clue, i keep my positive way of living like you do and that's it?
Medication? No, thanks! i have a very strong position about drugs like those and i believe that only fucks you up more and more!
Hmm... depression paralyzes people sometimes. I know many people who take anti-depressants and they ALL say, "why didn't I do this sooner?" It is hard to feel like you can't regulate your own mood. Some people can't. Do you have health insurance? I would talk to a doctor or a counsellor to see if medication could help you. What's the worst thing that could happen? There are many meds on the market and it could take more than one try to find something that works for you. And if it doesn't work for you, at least you tried. I find it incredibly important to do what you can to improve your life. And for some folks, meds is one of those things.
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