Saturday, November 12, 2011

Meeting someone??????

How the fuck does a single guy meet anyone these days?

I know I am not the most active of people but shiiiiiiiiit.

I swear it will never happen and there I was thinking that when I got back from Mexico I would be able to find someone so quick.  Well needless to say I was wrong, very wrong.

It is weird to think now that I had so much confidence when I got back...... things seem so different now.

In Mexico I was hot shit.   I mean I was one of probably 5 guys in Oaxaca city that was white and 20 something.  I could have gotten someone way way out of reach there and now I am here in America where I am your everyday joe.

Personally I think it is a waste of time and energy.  Why should I care?  Why can't i just do my own thing and be happy?   But nooooooo.......  I still want to be with someone.

I was thinking at work today...... Why can't I just be a normal guy?  I think I am different and weird.  Why?  maybe because I have not had a phone for a month and I do not feel as if i have missed anything.

What makes me happy?  What am I doing with my life?  I have not Idea and I feel like everyone else does!!!!!! WTF!!!!  Seriously, how the fuck did everyone figure themselves out so quickly and I am left in the dust?  I am starting to see myself as single in a sea of people in serious relationships and/or married.

It just pisses me off that I even care.... but I obviously do and very much at that.

I guess that is it.... I am looking to be in a relationship.  I signed up for a few months ago but I have not been very active on it yet...... but I did get to know a girl.... tru text but that went to shit when I destroyed my phone.

I guess I miss the feeling that someone loves you..... like Anabel.  She loved me with everything she had and I miss that so much.

So what now? I have not the slightest clue.........

Monday, January 26, 2009


Something dawned on me today......I should get a second job. I am working alot now but when the owners return from Hawaii it will be back to my normal 30 hour weeks. I am not going to school.... so screw that! This is a decent chance for me to save money for whenever I magically find out what I want to do. A year ago I quit my job at the ladybug and want probably working both at this time. I was going into my job at Sweet Masterpiece in the Pearl District. I was so full of hope and purpose. I knew what I wanted to do and I was activly pursuing it. I felt on top of the world but the more I tryed I seemed to slip further down. At the end of my employment there, I felt hopelessly lost and fearful of the future. I thought that I had given it my all and ended up somehow getting fired! WTF???!!!

Well I know I do not want to cook for the rest of my life. It is a bad industry frankly... well unless you are at the top but I do not have the potential to be there. You work very hard and get paid very little. Forget that! It is something I can always fall back on in the future.

When I got my job at the Hawaiian place I was happy working little so I had lots of time to play WoW. Now I don't care about computer games as much but still every time I quit wow... I find myself empty. Kinda pathetic. Anywho........ I think if I was to take classes or work a 2nd job I would have very little free time and would not have to play WoW. I just completely waste all the time that I am not at work. When I am there I work hard and enjoy some of it. I quite frankly hate my free time. If I am not makeing music then I feel like I am wasting it. I just have been feeling like a total looser lately. I don't feel any purpose in my life. I get out of work and then I wait to go to work again.... so I might as well never leave...... j/k.... I need some time off. Maybe I can find something that is not in the restaurant industry. Well...... time for bed..... 2:15 am.
But in a way I do enjoy the challenge of changing. I know I can do it.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


Potential is something I have been thinking on lately.
Last night I watched a review of the movie Revolutionary Road.

I like this channel. Check them out.

Anyways the old man in the video was talking about Leonardo DiCaprio's character who is living this suburban lifestyle and loves to write. He wants to be a writer. The old guy in the video was saying that he thought that the tragedy of the story was that he wanted to be something that he did not have potential to be.

That really struck me. I realized that I spend so much time beating myself up for not being what I want to be....... but if I don't even have the potential to be what I want.... then what is the use? How the hell does one know his/her potential? I just came up completely blank.

Well this life is sure a challenge and if it was not it would be no fun.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Hows it going?

It's been a while since I last posted. So I am listening to DetektivbyrÄn right now...

it is pretty cool stuff in my opinion. Creating a itunes profile to buy 2 of there albums and becks latest.

I realized that I don't often follow up and do what I want to do.... like I have lists of music i would like to buy... things to do... I just keep putting them all off.
Well that was random.

So I have been talking to my bother chis about how cheap it is to fly to Hawaii in January. He re-searched it and found that round trip to Honolulu is 344 dollars including taxes. I am quite surprised. So it got me starting to think about traveling and how stuck I am in my comfort zone.
I would love to go... just buy a ticket now and say "Too late now!" Quite honestly it scares the shit out of me. Traveling on my own....... uggg.... it gives me the shivers. I really need to get out of my comfort zone..... I am becoming way to settled just working this job and relaxing. i am not talking about leave my job and moving tomorrow or anything..... I am trying to save some money to travel at the moment. I guess I am just living day to day... I think I need to mix thing up a bit. Well i will get up early tomorrow.... if it kills me. I don't care how little sleep I get. time to make some changes. Getting up earlier will be a start.

Ok.. just set 3 alarms.

I have been getting up @ 9:30 for a few months now... my body is not going to want to change.
I am a bit worried about work tomorrow. I am scheduled for 8 days straight. I felt so burn out today already. It was very busy today... I felt like crawling into a corner... well not just busy... hectic and very stressful. ugg

Well if I can pull this off...... making myself uncomfortable.... I am going to hate myself for it.. but in the end I will be a happier person.

well time to try to wind down.... I am going to be getting hardly any sleep tonight.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

what to do about depression

Depression is a hard thing to fight. Positivity helps you overcome obstacles but you are feeling negative or numb you find it really difficult to move forward with life.

I see that at times I can be really upbeat and excited about life and then in a matter of hours my mind becomes clouded with doom and gloom. Take Wednesday at work..... in the morning I was very upbeat and excited to be alive.... then the lunch rush came and I felt like hiding in a corner and my whole day was ruined. I don't know...... i have such amazing positive emotions sometimes and when I do I can accomplish so much. Some day i just wake up and I am off. No matter what I feel I only try to be a positive influence on others.... I would not want to spread it. When I see conversation take a turn for the negative and unproductive, I turn it around. Some evenings I just spend in my room alone (which have been quite a few lately) just because i can not handle any human interaction and i do not want to spread my negativity.

I don't know.

I remember my brother Chris saying to take your emotions and thoughts with a grain of salt when you are tired. I am sure that that plays into it too.... but I try to be aware of my sleep situation.

Well I am pretty sure now that i have some sort of depression. The rainy season does not help but it is all year around.

Something I discussed with a life long friend is whether to medicate or not.

Depression is not something that is easy to diagnose and I guess medication is up to the person. Does my depression have a significant enough effect on my day to day life to need medication?
Sometimes i would love to take a pill and feel like what I imagine others feel.... normal.... not overly excited and not doom and gloom. I don't need to feel happy all the time..... i just want a break from the opposite. I am tired of waking up each morning feeling like I have my whole life's mistake going through my head. What I love about my job as a cook is how when it get really busy all the bullshit melts away and i am left clear minded. I love it when i can focus on a task and not think about anything else.

I just need a escape from my head.

That is why I like video games and movies.... they clear my head.... i don't care what has happened in my life.... i don't care about my situation. I become am fully absorbed in a different reality. I used to love reading my history book in school.... it cleared my head.. i got to enter into amazing events.... see the perspective of these great people who "made history".

I have realized while writing this that i need to clear my head more often. Alcohol can clear my head for a bit... but it ends up making life more complicated...... and we all know that it is a unhealthy and expensive habit.

I have been pursuing happiness through my career as a cook..... and have been thinking about becoming a sound engineer in the future.... but as happy as these might make me at times... they are not the cure.

I guess i really don't know what to do...... I try to enjoy life as much as possible... see beauty in everything and be grateful for what i have.... those are all good..... i don't know... i have a pretty serious case of being numb right now. I have no idea what i will be like in the morning.... I could be very happy... or.... well.... negative.

It is all just a wave. The question is, will I be on my way up soon?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I am fed up with my pathetic life and have decided to MAKE life interesting....... whether it want to co-operate or not! I have not been posting because I am embarrassed by my life lately. Well no longer. I am going to pursue life and not give a damn about what people think.