Hows it going?

It's been a while since I last posted. So I am listening to Detektivbyrån right now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbJggUcBM8I

it is pretty cool stuff in my opinion. Creating a itunes profile to buy 2 of there albums and becks latest.

I realized that I don't often follow up and do what I want to do.... like I have lists of music i would like to buy... things to do... I just keep putting them all off.
Well that was random.

So I have been talking to my bother chis about how cheap it is to fly to Hawaii in January. He re-searched it and found that round trip to Honolulu is 344 dollars including taxes. I am quite surprised. So it got me starting to think about traveling and how stuck I am in my comfort zone.
I would love to go... just buy a ticket now and say "Too late now!" Quite honestly it scares the shit out of me. Traveling on my own....... uggg.... it gives me the shivers. I really need to get out of my comfort zone..... I am becoming way to settled just working this job and relaxing. i am not talking about leave my job and moving tomorrow or anything..... I am trying to save some money to travel at the moment. I guess I am just living day to day... I think I need to mix thing up a bit. Well i will get up early tomorrow.... if it kills me. I don't care how little sleep I get. time to make some changes. Getting up earlier will be a start.

Ok.. just set 3 alarms.

I have been getting up @ 9:30 for a few months now... my body is not going to want to change.
I am a bit worried about work tomorrow. I am scheduled for 8 days straight. I felt so burn out today already. It was very busy today... I felt like crawling into a corner... well not just busy... hectic and very stressful. ugg

Well if I can pull this off...... making myself uncomfortable.... I am going to hate myself for it.. but in the end I will be a happier person.

well time to try to wind down.... I am going to be getting hardly any sleep tonight.

from our last sunny day

what to do about depression

Depression is a hard thing to fight. Positivity helps you overcome obstacles but you are feeling negative or numb you find it really difficult to move forward with life.

I see that at times I can be really upbeat and excited about life and then in a matter of hours my mind becomes clouded with doom and gloom. Take Wednesday at work..... in the morning I was very upbeat and excited to be alive.... then the lunch rush came and I felt like hiding in a corner and my whole day was ruined. I don't know...... i have such amazing positive emotions sometimes and when I do I can accomplish so much. Some day i just wake up and I am off. No matter what I feel I only try to be a positive influence on others.... I would not want to spread it. When I see conversation take a turn for the negative and unproductive, I turn it around. Some evenings I just spend in my room alone (which have been quite a few lately) just because i can not handle any human interaction and i do not want to spread my negativity.

I don't know.

I remember my brother Chris saying to take your emotions and thoughts with a grain of salt when you are tired. I am sure that that plays into it too.... but I try to be aware of my sleep situation.

Well I am pretty sure now that i have some sort of depression. The rainy season does not help but it is all year around.

Something I discussed with a life long friend is whether to medicate or not.

Depression is not something that is easy to diagnose and I guess medication is up to the person. Does my depression have a significant enough effect on my day to day life to need medication?
Sometimes i would love to take a pill and feel like what I imagine others feel.... normal.... not overly excited and not doom and gloom. I don't need to feel happy all the time..... i just want a break from the opposite. I am tired of waking up each morning feeling like I have my whole life's mistake going through my head. What I love about my job as a cook is how when it get really busy all the bullshit melts away and i am left clear minded. I love it when i can focus on a task and not think about anything else.

I just need a escape from my head.

That is why I like video games and movies.... they clear my head.... i don't care what has happened in my life.... i don't care about my situation. I become am fully absorbed in a different reality. I used to love reading my history book in school.... it cleared my head.. i got to enter into amazing events.... see the perspective of these great people who "made history".

I have realized while writing this that i need to clear my head more often. Alcohol can clear my head for a bit... but it ends up making life more complicated...... and we all know that it is a unhealthy and expensive habit.

I have been pursuing happiness through my career as a cook..... and have been thinking about becoming a sound engineer in the future.... but as happy as these might make me at times... they are not the cure.

I guess i really don't know what to do...... I try to enjoy life as much as possible... see beauty in everything and be grateful for what i have.... those are all good..... i don't know... i have a pretty serious case of being numb right now. I have no idea what i will be like in the morning.... I could be very happy... or.... well.... negative.

It is all just a wave. The question is, will I be on my way up soon?

I am fed up with my pathetic life and have decided to MAKE life interesting....... whether it want to co-operate or not! I have not been posting because I am embarrassed by my life lately. Well no longer. I am going to pursue life and not give a damn about what people think.

I made steak for dinner tonight. This was my first time ever cooking a steak. I had no clue what i was doing but i have heard of people pan searing them and then broiling them... i don't know if you are suppose to do one or the other.... I pan seared it for about 5 min... seasoned in with just fresh ground pepper and sea salt and then threw it into the oven for about 7 minutes. I am really pleased how it turned out. Next time I will marinate it for a few hours. I used a boneless t-bone steak. I am sure it was the wrong type of steak and I did everything wrong but it was very juicy and pretty tender... so I can't complain. Got some tomatoes from the garden while it was cooking and that was dinner! It is fun to try something completely new.

Over the last Year...

I have been reflecting on where I was a year ago and where I am now. I think that I have made some good progress towards living a happier more fulfilling life. I am NOT the person that I was a year ago! Yay! Progress is always good. I definitely have developed more socially. I find that it is much easier to talk to people. To some people I might not seem that I have some serious social problems but I do. I think I genuinely hate talking to people some days. Over the last year I have seen 2 jobs go sour... consistently made one good friend and met alot of people at each job, seen a friendship go from fantastic to terrible and back to good and to an acquaintance now, been fired from a job for the first time, quit and start world of warcraft about 3 times, moved, survived my 21st, and some other randomness in between. I guess i am doing alright.

This is a photo I took yesterday (Monday) morning.

working on life

Well I have been working on life today. It all started with a sleeping pill last night and a good 9.5 hours of sleep. I woke up a bit groggy but that wore off with a shot of espresso. Went to work still a little sleepy but after about 15 minutes found myself very motivated and alert. It was great thing went pretty well today. It's been about a week since I had gotten a good nights rest. I don't know what is up but I think changing my diet, habits, and getting a bit more exercise should do the trick. Much easier said then done. Well I got home and was out the door again before 5 minutes had past. I rode to Ross Dress for Less and finally bought some clothes for myself. See I am still wearing many of my shirts and shorts from middle-high school. Time for some new clothes, yah? Well I got some socks, 2 pair of pants, and 2 t-shirts. I am a guy so I shouldn't enjoy shopping right? Well if you ever find yourself wearing many clothes with holes in them I think that you would too. I am going to burd all my old clothes! maybe not... still good for work clothes... and very confortable.
So i went to freddies and got some stuff to make pasta with. Got home threw it all together and this is what came out:

It was really fun to cook for myself again.
I have really been puting out the effor lately to re-conect with people that I have let go. So far so good. Woah, screaming outside...... i must inverstigate...


Wierd... there was a car with about 5 kids in it with the stereo up all the way.... they stopped got out of the car and danced and sang to the music in the middle of the street. I think they were either very drunk or high. They stayed for about 10 mintues.... then drove off. Rich kids.

Well that is enough tomfoolery for now.

How do you live life to the fullest?

I have realized that I don't often live life to the fullest and that I often let connections with people fade and wonder why i feel so lonely sometimes. American culture does not help people meet each other. It sux. So I am making an effort to re-connect with people..... tonight i spent about 4 hours talking to people that I have not talked to in a long time. Many of them and I are much different then we used to be but will still have a part of our life in common. I want to connect to more people. I guess since I am not going to school that is hard..... I have my job and that is about it. There is one girl there, Rebecca that I feel some connection with. She is nice and we seem to have some kind of a connection. It is really hard for me to tell if is anything then a work friendship.. but not like it matters because she is moving back to Corvallis to go back to school at OSU. Why are most people so reserved? What is so dangerous about going out and meeting people? I am speaking for myself too. I guess I just want to do my best to purse life to the best of my ability. Do what I want and pursue as may interests as I can at once. So what do you do?

update

Well things are going ok. I still have a job so that is a plus. I have to work tomorrow at 9 pm... a big 4 thousand dollar catering order... I am going to be at a wedding serving food. I will have put in about 46 hours this week... so that is good. I will try my best to search my brain and remember all the stuff I think about to tell you 2-3 people who read.

Sake

To celebrate getting a job and having alot of ones in my wallet I went to Fred Meyer to buy a few bottles of sake, wine, and beer. This is what I bought....

From left to right....
a 6 pack of Bridgeport "Blue Heron Pale Ale"(a good local brew)
a bottle of
Momokawa "Pearl" Junmai Ginjo Nigori Genshu Sake... (a less filtered sake which is cloudy)
Hakutsuru Draft Sake.... which i just drank.. it very good and smooth
Hakutsuru generic Sake... the same type that i bought 2 nights ago(not as smooth as the draft)
Goats do Roam red wine.... this is an African wine... I have had it before... I highly recommend it

anyho
I am happy ot have a job and I have been using some of my tips to try new types of sake. Now that I have money, I can't wait to go to sushi again!

I am not a big fan of hard alcohol..... i love wine and beer is good.... but sake is a completely unexplored world for me. After having the Hakutsuru Draft Sake tonight I am excited to try for types of sake and find what is affordable and good tasting. the draft sake was the smoothest i have ever drank. I had some really good Nigori(unfiltered) sake and I would like to find more unfiltered sake. It was a very interesting taste.... almost carbonated..... it had a bite and a chalky texture... it was delicious. Thanks to lily for the white elephant gift!

Well I am working the lunch and dinner rushes tomorrow... and am a bit stressed but I hear a little stress is good in life... as long as it does not get out of hand. I was on the grill the whole time today throughout the lunch rush... it was hectic but I made it through. I still have more then enough room to improve.

A good reason to live with a cat is that they will let you know when someone is behind you.

And they seem to be interested in your undergarments.
At least someone cares....
Well this is going to be another night of little sleep... but I only have to work the lunch rush tomorrow so it will be ok. I seem to be on a "I finally got a job" high and my body is pumping out energy galore... except for the mornings... and work. Today was busy and stressful and hot... really hot working the grill. My arms are soon to be hairless.

Moving right along

Well life is good once again. For about the last 2 months I have had financial worries which had been putting a serious damper on my enjoyment of life. Not to say that money equals to happiness but it is nice to be able to have a bit of spending cash. Tonight i bought some good loose English Breakfast and Earl Grey tea, 2 bars of good Dragoda chocolate, and a bottle of Hakutsuru Jumani Sake. It was the 2nd best sake I have had. I know it is not good sake but for me it was drinkable unlike many sakes I have had. This is is besides the point... it was nice to be able to have the money to buy those things... as small as they are. Not having the worry of fininces is great! i am such a terrible worrier. I think i get it from my mom... she worries alot..... and my dad he does too! So I don't have much choice in the matte... i was born a worrier and as hard as i try i worry. Well enough of this spending...... time to pinch pennies again to pay off my debts. It is also very nice to have a job again taking up my time and giving me something to really try to do well at. i have bben working open(10:30 am) to 4 or open to 5:30 which means from about 2-5 I am in the restaurant all alone and have to do everything when a cusomer comes in. It is not that i hate serving or anything... i am just very inexperienced and uncomfortable. i am learning alot through that discomfort though. Well i got to go to bed... it is 1:15 in the morning..... Lori you were right about the coffee.... it kept me up.... so either i have to get used to caffeine or not drink coffee after 6 or 7. Maybe only tea for me at night.

So it looks like i got the job at the Hawaiian cafe as a cook! I am excited to have an income now. it is amazing how much a job can make someone feel better about them self.... at least after not having one for 3 months. I wear the Hola Mateo shirt only on special occasions Steph. It's special..... but i should start wearing it regularly. I just looked it was tucked away.

Well I have to go to work in about 15 minutes and then either today or tomorrow i imagine i will talk to the owners and see if they like me. I think I have done quite well. I have decided to accept the job if offered to me. I have enjoyed the last service much more then the first... so I m feeling better about the situation there and my possible co-workers. Felix i hope you get some sleep. Try exercising after work so you can sleep!

A Sleepless Night

This week I started doing a one week trial at a Hawaiian Cafe working as a cook. Last night i was weighing the pros and cons of the job there and other things which cost me a nights sleep resulting in getting up a 2 pm. I like having a job again, unemployment is no fun. So I need a job but do I take this one or go for something that I might like more? I guess the problem that I see with this job is that I can see myself getting really comfortable in it in about a month and be unhappy with it for that reason. A big part of me feels guilty for even thinking about not taking the job if offered to me. I am thinking like it is a luxury but it is far from that at the moment. I think I need to take any work that comes my way because well it is simple.... I need money! Do I want to find myself unhappy with my job in a month or 2? Another thing is that it is a fairly simple job so in the long run it will not make me happy. I was going for a dish washing job at other places so how are those any better? Well I have 2 more days of work before they decide whether or not to offer me the job.... I will do my best bad see what happens. Hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep.

Working interview

Today i got my first interview! yay!... or maybe not.
So there is this place on Alberta St. called Lolo's... it is a tapas bar (can be mistaken for a topless bar when said).
Well there is a dishwasher position available there. So i put in my resume and have been bugging them for the last 3 days. today i went in and talked to Rick the chef and I was in the kitchen and he said "Come in and work for tonight and i will have the other 2 guys work tomorrow and the next night and whoever works the hardest gets the job." so i said "ok, I can work tonight." So i rode home as fast as i could to change and get back... but on the way my stomach dropped as i remembered that I have a ticket for a show at the Doug Fir of the band "Nomo" http://www.myspace.com/nomomusic at 9 pm. So i thought, "damn... well I remember at my last job that the working interviews lasted for about 3 hous so maybe i can go in work for 3 and leave in time to get to the show. So I got home and called him up and said "So I remembered that I something going on at 9 so i could work until 8 if that would be cool?" and he said "What do you have going on?' I said "Well my brother bought tickets for a show tonight." so he said "Well what is more important a concert or work?" I said "I don't know how to answer that." What a bull-shit question! Totally loaded. If i say 'concert' then i seem like a ass-hole who has terrible work ethic and if i say 'work' then I shaft my brother Dan who bought these tickets about 3 weeks ago. I know it was my mistake to not remember because of excitement of working. So he said "Well I will have these other 2 guys come in and if they don't work out then i will give you a call." "Ok thx, bye" i said. Going away with a feeling of "wtf just happened". I am sorry dude but this concert comes first because of scedualling. Riding my bike back from the place to get changed i was wondering about him.. something about him i did not like from day 1 of talking to me.... but i tend to be judgemental so i kept supressing the feeling and thinking that i should not judge. Well i am somewhat disappointed and part relieved. It think he was a bit pissed that he was not going to have a dishwasher for tonights service. I hope to find a kitchen with a little more excitement like the Tin Shen for instance. That place is always packed and the people working there ae nice and friendly... not just bored and stressed. The search continues.

Well I went out tonight with my and it was a very pleasant evening. I got to see my uncle and aunt that i have not seen in 2 years with my 3 cousins. So i guess I can't complain about never going out. Thanks gramps for dinner! We went to Stanich's where my gramps was shot in a robbery many years ago. He obviously survived the shooting. I love my fam and am so glad that so many are in Oregon. That is all.... b-time. I guess i can't complain about not going out anymore.

Finding a life

This sucks! Playing wow for 10 hours a day to trying to get a job for 8 hours a day is a huge difference. I find myself sitting in parks alot trying to stay cool and writing what i am thinking in hopes of figuring out my lack of drive to find a job. I pass the time looking at people with lives. They are all doing something, playing baseball, running, walking their dog, and playing with their children. When you focus on entertaining yourself at home you become very good at it and you lose a real life. I have always packed my brain with so much media, that i am not so sure that I have ever had a real life. I guess this is me trying to learn how to live. It is not an easy task.
I guess the thing that bothers me is that i know i am a good worker but i don't seen to be able to sell myself well when in a job finding situation. I wonder where my low self-esteem comes from.
Something else that stems from the years of wideo games is the lack of real relationships. I would say i spend 85% on average of my time alone. Oviously alot of that is because of being jobless at the moment. It's not like i don't like being around people. Hell I love it, and if given the chance i would sepend 5 out of 7 night with friends. In the times my life tht i could i would spend al my time hanging out with people and spend the least amount of time home.
I can't wait to get a job. For the time it uses, the people, and the money. I can't wait ot have money again. I imagine that some people want money for that new car or house or remolding but me, i can't wait to buy new shoes to replace the 2.5 year old ones that i am wearing at the moment, and the clothes from high-school with holes in the butt region, and have enough left over to go out every once and a while and a occasional bottle of wine to continue my search for the prefect bottle of inexpensive but decent wine. I try to be content with my stuff and i try to enjoy life and the simple things in it...... but here i am wanting more then i have.... something to work on.

Neighbors

It's been a while.....
Well I got some new neighbors and they have a different way of living than I.
Last night I woke up at 4 am to an argument(these happen 3-4 nights a week) right outside my window of these two brothers yelling at each other about 6 feet from my open window. I do not settle differences by yelling like these two guys. I guess I think that it is much more comfortable and constructive to speak calmly to one another but that does not always happen since emotions tend to run high when arguing... well at lease with me.
Back to the neighbors....
So they are constantly arguing an fighting and it has gotten physical a few times. So these neighbors are loud and obnoxious... and friendly. The other week I was playing the drums and one of the guys living next door came over and said "You should play faster." I said "Aww no, I can't go much faster then that. I am a very casual drummer." Then he proceeded to talk about his brother and was smoking right outside my open windows... so needless to say my house reeked like smoke.... but not usual smoke.... OLD smoke. It smelled so old, like the breath of a 90 year old who has smoke for all his life with minimal brushing. It took 2 hours of all the doors and windows being open to clear the house with breathable air.
So after I ignored him while pretending to do yard work he went away. It did not hit me until I was talking to Anthony my roomate. What an ass! My goodness! At the time I was a little embarrased about being listened to while playing the drums and did not realize how rude he was being. Hey thx mr. neighbor for letting me know that I "should play faster". Dude, back off. Intrusion allert! Man I can't wait to move out!

But all the being said you will have to know that I brought this is all on myself in a way because a day earlier I had listened to him talk about himself for about 2 hours while I did yard work and was doing some makshift fixes on the rotten fence between us. Apperently I showed too much intrest in listening to him.
Oh the greatest thing of all is when I will be in my room and he will start to talk to me while I am watching Hell's Kitchen or something through my window. He can't see me but he can hear activity. Last week he even tryed to talk to me when I was up at 4 in the morning(couldn't sleep). So I feel like a captive in my own home carful not to make to much noise just incase he takes interest in what I am doing and comes over or talks to me through my window. I guess he does not see it as rude.
Well I will be moving soon so I will not have to deal with them.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep. My mind just doesn't slow down some nights resulting in not being able to sleep.

I realized this. I feel no purpose in life right now. I have nothing that makes me want to get up it the morning.
I need a job but I am really finding it hard to get one. I have alot of trouble with motivation. Drive to accomplish things is just completely non-existent. I find myself just down right bored recently. All my passion for the things I like has faded. I feel like a ghost, a shell of a person. I used to be excited about getting a new job and meeting new people but now I feel lost. I don't know what to do or what I can do to get excited about life again. Maybe I am depressed. I wish that someone would break into my house and shoot at me a few times.... maybe then I would wake up. It is such a weird feeling. I have felt depression many times before but I always could cry about it or something.... but now I simply don't care about much. I have nothing to work towards or do. Man I need a job! This is why I hate unemployment so much!

I just watched "There will be blood" tonight. It was not a very easy movie to watch. I would recommend seeing it once at least. It tells a good story. The music made me uncomfortable the whole movie. It's great, see it! haha

So... I don't know where this blog is leading..... I guess I just want to share some stuff about myself with you guys and some insights I have(not to say that they are of much value).

I don't know I am being to nagative because I am tierd? Will I feel drive in the morning and be more positive?
It's hard to function on 2.5 hours of sleep. I don't know... I guess if anyone wants they can send some advice my way but I think this is one I am ultimately going to have to crack myself. Wierd... i have never felt so passive about life before.

I am back from my 1.5 mile run.... I know not something to brag about... but a good start in my opinion. My body said "No!" the whole time but I made it home. After doing this for a few days my body will even itself out. Now it is time to go sit on my lovely couch on the porch and be silent for the next 30 min. I think it is good to have some quiet time every do where you do nothing. Just sit in silence. It is nice and calming.

Well it's 6 a.m. and I am up! after going to sleep at 3:30 I am impressed. Time for my run.

L8 night

Well here it is 1 am and I am motivated! Why at 1 am? I don't know! it is a strange thing that happens to me every night. So tomorrow i am going to get up at 6 am and go for a run. I will have to take a nap later. I will post tomorrow morning at 6!

Sickness

Well i have not been keeping up with my posts! Sorry to my non-existent readers!

I have been sick for the last 3 days. It's no fun. I seemed to have gotten a pretty bad case of food poisoning or some sort of a stomach bug. It's the worst. What kind of a stomach bug is it that leaves you hungry but you dare not eat because you know you would not be able to keep it down? It's weird. Well I will make a real post when I have something to tell and am better. Chow for now!

A Letter...

To Matt/Steph
From Matt

Dear Steph,
Thank you for the good conversation in the car to and from Salem. You really have a way of clearing my mind and motivating me. By talking to you I remember my priorities. Remember that Matt!

Dear Matt,
You know that what you want to do is. You want to thrive and flourish in life. Whatever it is that you do, make it yours and do it up right! You are not happy living life in World of Warcraft or any other video game. All things in moderation.

You are going to get a job soon. Why? Because you need one and you fear that you would get to comfortable living with Ted and Lori and end up a leech. You do not want to do that...... so DON'T!

Your body is angry with you. Watch your diet and eat in meals not snacking all day long. You need more physical activity. Running 3-4 times a week is not enough. Be active at least once a day.

Occupy your mind. This blog is a great way to do that. Remember that the busier you are the more productive you are outside of structured environments like work. Begin to read.

Be more selfless!

These are things YOU are going to do.... don't think about them, just do it!

These are not hard things to do. You can do it. When you fail.... think about why you failed and do not make the same mistake twice.

Most importantly remember through all this that you are imperfect and need to forgive yourself when you do fail.

Kick ass!

-Matt

Sorry to bore the 2 people who read my blog. This is a to do list. I don't want to post this because it makes me seem so petty. Well I have to change somehow and this is part of me trying to write stuff down. I seem to forget my priorities alot especially the week. So.... this'll help. If anyone sees something I missed then lemme know!

Oh I need to practice my children skills since I will be moving in with a 1 year-old and I want to spend some more time with my 2 nephews. So Steph you'll be getting some time to yourself soon! I will call you sometime this week.

Mornings...

Some are good, some are bad. This morning was a particularly good one for me. Even though I was fairly groggy and upset I found myself in a very positive, upbeat mood. I woke at 10 am to find 2 strangers in my house. So much for the running. My land lord arrived to show them around and my room was.... I mean is in a very messy state. One of the strangers said "Hi I am Sara" and my response was "Hi I just woke up". I guess I was kind of an asshole but it was not my intent. "Oh sorry" she said as we walked to the frond deck. "So we can wait out here since you just woke up." "Naw it's fine just go have a look around" I said as I went to hide in the bathroom(a very old tactic of mine for avoiding strangers). I felt like everyone was speaking a language that I barely could understand. After about 3 minutes in the bathroom I come out to find my land lord standing right there. "Hey Matt." "Hi....... I just woke up" I said. Why did I find it so important to let everyone know that I just woke up?!?
A new stranger appeared leaning on the doorway to the kitchen. I was trying to find out how old attractive Sara was and if that stranger was her mom or the other girl was her friend or kid...... I could not concentrate. To add to it all Sara looked really familiar! I just could not place her. Then they went outside and I retreated into my messy lair with a sigh of relief.

Somehow through my anti-social experience this morning and a mild hang-over I retained my good attitude and am still really happy. Weird. I think I should be in a bad mood.

off to Salem!

I think the doorway stranger is my land lord's wife... I guess he got a new wife!

late night

Well it's 12:49 in the AM.
After drinking a considerable amount of beer and watching some "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" I realize that today was my most productive day yet this week.

I had $74.84 in change. Thank God for coinstar. Paid for my food this week.

Well I am planning to get up at 8 am so I can do more cleaning for some people to see the house tomorrow morning. It was my dad's b-day yesterday. I got him some good beer. I hope he will like it. I know I would.

Well after 6 pints of PBR I am ready for some water and then bed. I hope I will be able to clean and possible run tomorrow morning.

g'night

viruses , beer, and craigslist

5:15 in the PM and want beer!
After eradicating a rather annoying virus from my computer through the painful task of re-formating 2 partitions and re-installing windows, I want beer! Sadly many programs were lost in the fight and their deletion along with the virus brought a bitter-sweet victory. As I finally found the command "Format F:" I entered the code and with great joy I slammed down on "enter" to find that my battle board did posses the durability that it once had. My eyes widened at I looked to find that I had shattered such a vital key on my board. I wept blood.

Well I guess I am another 15 dollars in the hole.

Once my brain began to function after inhaling excessive amounts of dust while realizing how much stuff I had packed away in my closet....... I found my ethernet driver and came back online. With all my worthless possessions surrounding me I went to www.craigslist.com to rid myself of them. 28 computer games, an ond ctr monitor, a really nice cpu cooler, and computer case became postings on craigslist. 1 min later I received several e-mails. Why does everyone interested in my spare part have to live way out in suburbia? Worth the 15 dollars? We shall see.

So here I am with no cash and large pile of change collected over that last 4 years or so. I count the quarters...
$28.75. Well that is enough to get some beer that's for sure, but I had hoped it would have been more. It will have to do for now.

Time to go for a bike ride.

9:56 am
72 degrees indoors

Today is ok so far.

Woke up at 9 am instead of 8 but considering that it was still 80 degrees in my room when I went to bed at 2 a.m. it 's early enough.

While I was waiting for it to cool down last night I watched Underworld: Evolution on www.hulu.com I did not find it to be a great movie but it was entertaining and the main actress Kate Beckinsale http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000295/ is quite attractive and there was considerable action to keep me watching. I liked the dark atmosphere throughout the whole movie. Of course they are vampires so no going during the day! 2.5 stars I would say.

I guess last night I was unknowingly in the mood for violence. I was on Juctice's myspace page and I watched his music video "STRESS".

justice stress (official video)
by 75_prod

I was shocked at the sheer violence of it. I know it is only a video but it is very well done and believable. I find that too many videos are cleaned up and sanitized. I like thinks to be realistic and raw and well .... believable. Justice is a talented artist and has worked himself up to a good place of recognition and I admire that.

That is all for now. Chow.

9:35 p.m.
82 degrees indoors

Well I thought that this weather would be perfect to start my next project, this blog. I have always disliked writing things down, maybe because that is what I was made to do in school or maybe I just did not like the kind of people that write stuff down because I always thought that you could remember everything if you just exercised your memory. Sadly lately I have realized that my memory fall short of perfect or maybe even functional. At the ripe old age of 21 I find myself dumping old memories as I acquire new ones. My childhood begins to fade and when talking with my family I suddenly collectively remember something that has faded until almost completely gone. Maybe this is a natural part getting "older".

I posted an new song tonight.... it is imperfect but passable. myspace.com/drumsynth59 "missing someone"

I guess I have been wondering what it would be like to loose someone you love. The though of going through the rest of you life thinking about that person and trying to still live a wonderful and exciting life is scary to me. I have trouble living life with a wonderful family who loves me and is there for me when I am down and great uplifting friends that just want what is best for me, I can imagine if even one of them were to ever die. I would be a wreck.
That is how alot of others would be most likely to react I think, so maybe I am not that different. I think few people are prepared for a death close to them but it happens and people learn to keep living. I hope I could do the same when ever it happens.

I have so much to do and so much time. What will it take for me to DO SOMETHING? I will see what tomorrow holds and until then, g'night.